Florida Man Declares Himself Supreme Court Justice, Orders Immediate Ban on Earthquakes and Awkward Social Media Posts

In a shocking turn of events, a Florida man has taken it upon himself to declare his newfound position as the Supreme Court Justice. In a bizarre press conference held in his backyard, complete with a makeshift podium made out of pool noodles and a gavel fashioned from a coconut, this self-proclaimed justice announced his first two orders of business: an immediate ban on earthquakes and awkward social media posts.

While the rest of the country was left scratching their heads in confusion, the Florida man confidently explained his reasoning behind these groundbreaking decisions. "Earthquakes are just too unpredictable," he declared with a serious expression. "They disrupt our daily lives and cause unnecessary panic. It's time we put an end to these seismic disturbances once and for all."

As for the ban on awkward social media posts, the Florida man argued that it was a matter of national importance. "We've all been victims of those cringe-worthy posts that make us want to crawl into a hole and never come out," he proclaimed. "By outlawing these embarrassing moments, we can protect the sanity and dignity of our great nation."

Unsurprisingly, the reactions to this Florida man's self-proclaimed authority have been mixed. Some have dismissed him as a delusional eccentric, while others have found his audacity to be strangely entertaining. Social media has been abuzz with memes and jokes, with many users wondering what other laws this self-appointed justice might try to enforce.

Legal experts and scholars have been quick to point out the obvious flaws in this Florida man's self-proclaimed position. "The Supreme Court Justice is a position that is appointed by the President and confirmed by the Senate," explained one constitutional law professor. "It's not something you can just declare yourself to be."

Despite the criticism, the Florida man remains undeterred. He has already started drafting a list of potential laws he believes should be implemented, including mandatory ice cream breaks at work and a ban on rainy Mondays. It seems that his newfound power has gone straight to his head, leaving the rest of us to wonder what other absurd proclamations he has in store.

Only time will tell how long this Florida man's reign as Supreme Court Justice will last. In the meantime, we can only hope that his orders banning earthquakes and awkward social media posts will somehow miraculously come true. After all, who wouldn't want a world free of both natural disasters and cringe-inducing Facebook status updates?