Reports are coming in from across the United States that millions of people are suffering from toxic farts. The culprit? None other than Canadian pop icon Celine Dion.
According to experts, the smoke from Dion's latest concert tour has been streaming south over the border, leaving a trail of noxious gas in its wake. Those unfortunate enough to be caught in the path of the fumes are reporting symptoms ranging from mild discomfort to full-blown nausea and vomiting.
"It's really quite remarkable," said Dr. Harold Fartsalot, a leading gastroenterologist. "We've seen an unprecedented spike in cases of flatulence-related illness in the past few weeks, and all the evidence points to Ms. Dion's tour as the source."
Despite the mounting evidence, Dion and her team have denied any responsibility for the toxic farts. In a statement released earlier today, the singer insisted that her concerts were "100% fart-free."
"We take the health and well-being of our fans very seriously," the statement read. "We have rigorous protocols in place to ensure that our shows are safe and enjoyable for everyone. Any suggestion that our concerts are causing toxic farts is simply ridiculous."
However, many are not convinced. Social media has been flooded with reports of people experiencing symptoms after attending Dion's concerts, and some are even calling for a boycott of her music until the issue is resolved.
"I used to be a huge Celine fan, but after what I've been through, I can't in good conscience support her anymore," said one Twitter user. "No one should have to suffer like this."
For now, the situation remains unresolved. Experts are urging people to stay indoors and avoid areas where the toxic farts are most concentrated. Meanwhile, Dion is set to continue her tour, leaving a trail of destruction in her wake.
